[Note: In the summer months, there are days when the moon is extremely bright and shines right into my room. I saw that kind of moon last night, and I was reminded of a time years ago when I wrote about the sight. So, I dug out my writings, realized that the passage in question kind of sucked, and decided to post this instead.]
9/14/08 10:50 PM
Today is the Mid-Autumn Festival, also called the Moon Festival. Up to this point, I had eaten moon cakes and kept the date in mind, but I nearly forgot to experience the moon itself. So, in these late hours, I turned out the lights and opened my window.
At this time of year, the moon is still in a position clearly visible from my window. Of course, it’s a full moon night – so wonderfully bright. The light reached my room through the window, casting its soft glow on half of the room. There was not quite enough light to see as well as I could with the lamp or sun – it was more the type that lets one see the distinct objects and shapes, illuminating partially, blurring small things, leaving areas in shadow, making everything a bit more colorless. It was… nice, in a way. Comforting.
For a time, I simply sat down and relaxed myself. I took in the cool night air as I often do. Sometimes, I just left myself nearly in silence, with only the sounds of the air outside. A very peaceful state. Sometimes, I put on some quiet music, letting the sounds resonate with me, in the heart, the breath, or maybe something in my soul. My thoughts wandered under the moonlight.
I’m losing sight of myself. Relationships with other humans, the course of my own future… I’ve slowly been losing my grip on both of these, and my thoughts and feelings have become disturbingly unstable… The loneliness starts to crush my chest. My mind is trying to close out real life. Everything rushes at me at such a frightening pace that I feel like I’m about to be either run down or passed by at any moment. I want to cry, but I can’t cry. I might want to die, but I can’t die. I want to live, but…
All of these problems begin with me. They can no longer escape from my throat, so instead, they flow out through my fingers, in melodies that dissipate into the air and in spreading pools of letters. The output is something real, but I can’t continue to do nothing but empty out like this. I’m fading out; maybe if…
No, I still don’t truly know.
The moonlight makes the world colorless in my eyes as my mind has been seeing it for some time. And yet, it’s not so frightening. Far away, beyond the sky, I can still see the light source. Somehow, the brightness is soothing. And though my surroundings are dim, I can still see outlines. They aren’t clear, but they are there.
Maybe I can crawl back out of the shadow, into the whiteness, and I’ll be able to see more than just an outline of myself.
9/15/08 12:06 AM